Picking things back up.

It has been a long time since I visited here. And in my life often a month can feel like a year with all the many things that happen, how things unfold.

I think I mostly come here to rest, to be fully me. 

So much has happened between he and I in these last weeks. The new girl that arrived in our metaphorical bed has been and although she hasn't gone, he did make the decision a few weeks ago that he couldn't possibly be that role in another woman's life. So they are just friends. She and I are friends too. I like her a lot :)

But me, now, here. Who am I really, how honest am I being with myself. What is it that I really want.....

I am 32 years old. I'm a woman who is really very proud to be a woman. I am a woman who has always been drawn to women, to their minds, to their bodies, to their ways of being. My attic flat is adorned with paintings and photographs and canvases and sketches of women, naked, dead, poised, dream-like, wild, strong, natural and feminine.

Am I the woman that I wanted to be?

Can I really hold my head up high and feel proud of the way I am living my life right now?

I have a new Mentor in my professional life. I've never had a mentor before and so I feel very lucky. She is an older woman, 60, and someone whom I look at and admire. She looked at me last night after an evening of work and wine with a group of 8 other women and told me that if there was one thing she wanted to do it was to help me be more confident. Apparently I apologise before I speak, every time before I go to say something I say sorry.

What is it that I am apologising for?

Is it that actually I am just very very sorry, endlessly sorry, for all the time that I remain staying in this relationship...sorry to both of the other women, sorry to all the people in my life that watch me continue do this, and maybe even sorry to myself.

I'd like to be a woman that I can feel more proud of.