Spontaneity

I woke today with an anxious tummy. That feeling when you open your eyes to a world that is familiar and all of a sudden you remember that something has changed.

Touchingly within seconds of me waking I received a text from him saying how beautiful the weather was in Cornwall, asking me how I was and saying that he was thinking a lot about me.

I replied that I was glad that the weather was beautiful and that I hoped it stayed that way for the rest of the week that he was there.

How could I possibly let him know how I was feeling by a single text message, and I also didn't want to, not when he is there with his wife. I intrude on their life enough when he is home.

I came back from the Dossie Easton's polyamory workshop later today feeling no less resolved about anything. Mostly on my mind right now is the idea of spontaneity.

It feels like to keep everyone happy in our current situation, he is constantly having to learn about each of our needs and responses and almost have rehearsed and tailored ways to keep each of us satisfied. I can almost visualise the checklist he must draw up for each of us every day... " She needs this , this and that at these moments".... and those little reassurances and check-ins are lovely, but they really are not what I want my relationship to be centered around. 

It is those spontaneous bursts of energy and connection that create the most alive feelings, and we do share those, of course we do. But my worry is that with another person now here that is another checklist he has to draw up, another piece of his time that takes away from his ability and energy to be spontaneous. 

And the overall feeling I had from the workshop today was just how TIRED I am of so much introspection. Yes, all of the strategies and tips and ways of negotiating through these polyamory relationships are useful, and I do still believe in so much of the values that polyamory supports, and yet I feel that it does require a certain level of continuous investigation of feelings, dwelling, talking, thinking that there was a part of me that wished to shout out across the room " If we spend all of our time working out better ways to be in these relationships we are going to miss out on a whole world out there and all of the ways in which it needs us to be more participatory in it, rather than just participants in our own small worlds. "

I think I am just tired.