Tears.

He has called and text me but I just don't want to reply. I am not doing this to be childish but because I need to try and protect myself. 

When he goes away I have to close a little bit of myself down because the loop of our relationship looses its immediacy, and especially when I have all of these feelings of hurt and anger and uncertainty, closing down from him makes it all feel more bearable.

His contact is like a knocking at the door I have erected, and it lets my vulnerability seep back in. 

If I was to say anything to him right now in my reply it would be " be with her now, it is your week away together " and I think rather than being glad and grateful for his contact I even feel cross with him that he isn't honouring that with her.

But the tears.

They came just now when I lay down on my bed, feeling a warmth and inquisition spreading between my thighs after doing some blog reading. As I cupped myself gently through my knickers and closed my eyes, I willed myself not to think of him, to try and imagine anyone but him and anything but what we have done. I tried so hard to keep the pleasure held inside me by asking myself over and over ..what would you most like to do, what is my body craving for, what do I most desire..and still he was there, right there.

So instead I just cried.

I don't want my submission, my most needed and loved and craved desires to be held captured by him.