One truth.

Sadness and longing seem to have come hand in hand with understanding over the last weeks.

I've all kinds of fantasies with men and with women - mostly they sit in 3 areas.

The first is me, the woman who wants to yield to the power of a man's energy. To be held down, to be ravaged, to feel my wildness contained beautifully, to submit, to have all choice taken away from me, to be fucked, hard. To be broken and then masterfully brought back to life, to be in receipt of delicious and burning pain, to be smothered by him and then lifted by him, to be utterly compelled and captivated by someone, and to crave for them and have those cravings shudderingly met.

Then there is me, the well-disciplined girl. The girl who sometimes wants guidance and needs a regular firm hand. The girl who blushes at the mention of a smacked bottom, who finds embarrassment touches something deep inside that needs a playful and poignant stir. The girl who is delighting in rules for the very first time in her life because she equates rules with care and obedience and she only wants to be obedient because she is so full of respect for the man that is holding her accountable. She is discovering being a girl again, being tender and being exploratory and having her hand held as she does so. She doesn't need to always be in control anymore, she can be shy and curious and sometimes scared and show all of what was on the inside, on the outside now.

Then there is the woman who enjoys adventure. Who has always had an open mind and a loving heart. Who was kissing girls and boys from far too young an age. Who was having kissing and fondling parties in her bedroom at primary school, who was caught kissing girls in her gym class and would enjoy watching boys touching themselves. Fast forward from 11 to 18 when everything went a little bit wrong, and she was back and experiencing sharing a bed with an older couple, having her bottom fucked, making love to a woman for the first time, holidaying in Lesvos, then settling down to an 8 year monogomous relationship with a girl. And now, she's found a whole other world where all the parts of her that were wanting to be explored have suddenly been able to burst forth and find expression. She's travelled alone to a few swingers nights, they weren't for her, then to a few BDSM nights, they weren't for her either, but she still travels to new places looking for kinky, erotic, masochistic, connecting, loving, honest experiences . She is learning that she enjoys administering a sore bottom too...enjoys the feeling of a man wriggling with a hard cock against her lap, watching his bottom turning crimson and trailing her nails over his sore cheeks. And Disciplining girls too, being a mentor, and also finding that her open and loving heart can find other ways to have relationships, where polyamory and compersion are things that she is learning about all of the time.

And then, there is this quiet voice, it is still me, but it is me right down at the very depths of who I am. Slowly this voice has come to understand what she wants to say, what it is that is at the core of all of these things, she whispers, because this is the sadness and the longing she spoke of at the beginning of this post, what she really wants, what she has been desiring since she was as young as maybe 11 or 12, is to be "owned" by a couple. That is her dream. That is my dream. And it has been sad to come to realise that probably that dream is never going to come true.