Today.

I can't think about the past for now, and since writing last week I have wondered why I am even writing about what has been and gone. It will likely be I do go back to it every now and then as I try to understand where I am now as I hope to have learnt from all that has happened in the last few years. But it is today that I want to write about today.

It was today that I woke at 4am unable to get back to sleep. I wasn't anxious but just slowly rolling thoughts over in my mind, some of which were heavy, some of which I couldn't roll over enough to be able to settle back down.

He has met someone new, and I really want to try and be graceful in my reception of it. It has only been a week and I have chatted with her quite a few times both online and on the telephone, and I like her a lot. That helps, in fact that excites me too as ahead in the future I can sense some wonderful possibilities for experiences we may share together.

When I became a part of all this, he was already married, he was already deeply involved with Her, and I have also always known that he would like to be a Disciplinarian to other girls. In fact even in the 3 years we have been involved he and I have Disciplined a few other girls together, and of course his contact with them has not always included me. I love how being able to provide girls with loving Discipline gives him such energy, it connects him most fully to who he is and he soars when he is there.

So yes, I am okay with it, I mostly thrive on him thriving - isn't that what happens in a loving relationship? You bathe and play and baske in each other's joyful moments, and often whether I am present or not, just him sharing his experiences is a very arousing thing between us.

Why then yesterday did I react as I did to him talking with J ( the new girl ) on the telephone. It was only for an hour but it was amazing the different feelings and reactions I had in that short space of time.

The first 10 minutes I was fine, I got on with my work, and then I started imagining the intimacy between them if he was directing her to spank herself over the telephone. Those kind of thoughts seem to breed, quickly, rapidly into larger thoughts and images. Then I remembered how his wife must have felt the first time she knew he was visiting me to Discipline me, how it must have been for her sitting there that day at work, what I  ( we both ) had asked of her to try and accept knowing that it was something she struggled with. I thought of her anguish and I thought how completely unreasonable and unfair it was of me to be feeling as I was feeling when I had expected so much more of someone else. That quietened my thoughts down for a while.

Then the tears started to trickle down my face, turning to sobs, quite wrenching ones that felt really rooted in a deep sadness, so I tried to write.

This is what I wrote.

I wish for someone who can't take their hands off me.

I wish for someone whose face beams when they see me.

I wish for someone who wants to scoop me up in their arms and tell me how precious I am.

I wish for someone who will go out of their way for me.

I wish for someone who never gets bored of me.

I wish for someone who delights in my company.

I wish for someone to look at me and feel contentment.

I wish for someone even when they are excited to meet new people is still as excited to be with me.

I wish for someone to look at me like I am the best thing that ever happened to them.

Reading them again now makes me feel lots of things, both ashamed because I worry that I sound childish or demanding or unrealistic, but also sad because sometimes I know I can feel I'm unlovable and reading through that list feels that by staying in this situation I am in danger of perpetuating those feelings quite readily.

By the end of the hour I had calmed myself right down through just concentrating on my breath and really trying to understand what I was most worried about. I deal with him being intimate with 2 other women all of the time, so what felt different about this?

And really it was just his time. Wondering how on earth with 3 of us already to keep happy he would manage with a fourth. Often my ration of him doesn't feel enough, and I feel terrible that I sound ungrateful for saying that, I just cherish our time together and I know I will find it hard if our time is shortened even further because we all need to make room for someone else.

I was imagining it almost like a bed, with the four of us laying in it, in the order in which we came to be there, Him, his wife, Her and then me, and suddenly we need to make room for someone else. Making room means shuffling, negotiating, finding new ways of fitting in the bed, squabbling a little over the duvet, and also making sure that the duvet stays intact, that we all are looked after by it, and kept warm by it.

I want to try so hard to be a willing and graceful person in making room in the bed, and in helping to make sure that the duvet is shared. I really hope I can be.